


Not so secret identities

by cyberneticNeon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: "Secret" Identities, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diverges from chapter 4, Gen, God Tier (Homestuck), Humanstuck, Jade is really smart, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Sburb/Sgrub, So read at least that far in, Superherostuck, To Live Universe, ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberneticNeon/pseuds/cyberneticNeon
Summary: I always questioned in To Live a Normal Life? How preposterous! how no-one knew that their family were the aspects, so I wrote a fic showing what would happen if the rest of the gang found out early.(Read up to Chapter 4 of TLANLHP before reading this)
Relationships: Jake English & Jade Harley, Jane Crocker & John Egbert, John Egbert/Dave Strider
Comments: 19
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Live a Normal Life? How preposterous!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470704) by [09Pyros_09Hydros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/09Pyros_09Hydros/pseuds/09Pyros_09Hydros). 



> The first 5 paragraphs are taken from To Live a Normal Life? How preposterous!

Jade bit her lip as she and her Grandpa stared at the tv, gasping whenever the camera shook violently and cheered at the ones who saved the news cast and more. 

Jake was barricaded in his room but the eldest teen new that her little brother was worried too, but apparently puberty was too much and refused to got down to watch with them.

Jade could hardly believe the monsters and everything if it weren't for the fact the news were live and the fact John wasn't answering, it wasn't just him too! Dave wasn't answering as well and Dirk and his eldest brother had no idea where he was so she was worried for him too. 

"Oh John, I hope you're okay" whispered the dog-loving teen, smiling at her grandfather when he hugged her close.  
Grandpa Harley smiled encouragingly at her "I'm sure John will be fine, he's a strapping young lad. Strong just like his father, he will be alright so no need to worry" he told her with a soft smile, hiding the worry he himself had for the young boy. 

Jade nodded before glancing at the stairs before her eyes went back to the tv, her worries slightly sated. 

The camera zoomed in on the yellow clad Page, and Jade recognized the familiar frames placed on his face. “Wait a second, is that?” she asked disbelievingly. She got her answer when the teen opened his mouth and she strained her ears to hear that all too familiar accent. “It is!” 

She marched up to her brother’s room to check if he was actually still there amidst the questions of her grandpa asking where she was going. “I’m just going to check on Jake,” she replied. She didn’t want to assume, there are a lot of people in the world. There were good odds Jake had a look alike somewhere out there. She entered his room, and, yep no Jake. She is so going to question him when he gets home.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 16:34  
GG: jake, where are you?  
GT: Erm, what do you mean?  
GG: youre not in your room, and i cant help but feel that SOMEONE bears a certain resemblance to one of the superheroes on the tv.  
GT: Jade, I- I don’t quite know what you are insinuating here.  
GG: Jake. >:(  
GT: *Tugs at collar nervously*  
GG: Jake are you a superhero?  
GT: Well you see he could erm…  
GT: Just be a look-alike! Yes. That is a completely reasonable explanation.  
GG: Jake. we got your glasses custom made. I was there. Now why on earth would this look-alike be wearing your glasses?  
GT: Th-this is utter poppycock! How would I be a superhero?  
GG: Jake, just admit it. You’re the only person I know who would go out to fight crime in his underwear. except maybe John.  
GT: Alright, alright. I fess up. Also I think my getup is rather dashing.  
GG: you would.  
GT: What is that supposed to mean?  
GG: nothing  
GT: You know you’re being awfully rude about this.  
GG: im sorry its just  
GG: why didnt you let us in on this?  
GG: me and grandpa could make gadgets and do a cool mission base! :)  
GG: im not upset that you are a superhero so much as you not telling us :(  
GT: I’m sorry, but I only started today. I just got roped into this malarkey!  
GG: wait, roped in? :0  
GG: jaaake... is anyone else we know superheroes???  
GT: *gulp*  
GT: n-No  
GG: jaaaaaaaaaaaaaake????? >:)  
GT: Well they said not to-  
GG: they? *waggles eyebrows*  
GT: ERM!  
GT: ABORT!  
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: you cant run away forever jaaake!!!

So, it seems her brother and friends were out fighting crime... But who was with him? To get to the bottom of this case she’ll need a real detective. Or at least, what constitutes as one in her friend group. She needed someone with real skills, real knowhow, and a knack for figuring out the truth. She needed a gutsy gumshoe.

gardenGnostic [GG]  began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG]  at 16:44

GG: jane i need your help for something. please?  
GG: I’m really quite busy right now. John has disappeared and we’re all sick with worry looking for him. And right is the middle of the attack as well!  
GG: This is really the worst possible scenario.  
GG: well what if i told you that i found out that my brother and a few others of our friend group are secretly the vigilantes!  
GG: Jade, this is serious! It’s no time for goofing off.  
GG: I’m going to go now if you are not going to take this seriously. :/  
GG: no WAIT  
GG: ill send you the document

gardenGnostic [GG] sent gutsyGumshoe [GG] the file superherojake?!?.txt

GG: Well, this certainly looks authentic, but how can I be sure?  
GG: jane, why would i lie to you about this?  
GG: do you really trust me so little? :(  
GG: I’m sorry Jade, this is just, well, quite hard to believe without some solid proof.  
GG: more difficult to believe that superheroes suddenly appearing with absolutely no warning?  
GG: I suppose you do have a point. I do tend to be a bit doubtful sometimes.  
GG: and also, ive been feeling a bit off today  
GG: Now that you mention it I suppose I have too.  
GG: I just assumed it was because of that chaos and looking for John  
GG: OH, right, John.  
GG: I completely forgot about looking for him.  
GG: Oh I am the worst cousin...  
GG: its okay  
GG: i cant help but suspect that he is one of the superheroes though...  
GG: You really think so?  
GG: well he hasnt been returning our calls  
GG: its quite suspicious  
GG: neither has dave now that i think about it...   
GG: Well this certainly seems like a mystery that needs sleuthing.  
GG: Detective Crocker is on the case!  
GG: Well, as soon as I make sure my brother is alright.  
GG: Ooh, when I find him he’ll get a stern talking to. Hero or not!  
GG: alright. ill work on our lead with dave.  
GG: Hoo hoo hoo!  
GG: I wish you the best of luck.  
GG: thanks :)  
GG: ill try my best!

gardenGnostic [GG]  ceased pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG]


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday today! So instead of celebrating, I'm writing Homestuck fanfiction. When did this become my life?

Jane pondered the new information she had just been given from Jade. She and her father were driving around the neighborhood, looking for John, when she decided to find a video of what was going on during the battle.

She looked through a bunch of blurry, amateur videos, still keeping an eye out for John, just in case, when she noticed a much higher quality stream titled “Aspects appear in Washington!” posted by an A.H. Intrigued, she opened the stream and saw the five figures flying!? around fighting the monsters. 

Two figures clad in different shades of red, but wearing the same styled outfit, (Jane filed this away for later, it may be important.) as well as a man in yellow, and now that Jade mentioned it, he was very obviously Jake. He seemed to be shooting pistols at the monsters, as well as some sort of white power laser? The costume also... accentuated some, well, admittedly very fine assets. Jake was always a very dashing, strong, handsome young man and... Jane felt herself starting to blush.

No no no, she needs to focus! She can’t be distracted by Jake’s plush rump! Though it is quite nice... NO! Next person! The next hero seems to be wearing a dark blue rogue getup, complete with the little mask. Where the rest had been quite obviously male, she couldn’t really tell the gender of the masked rogue. S/he seemed to have sustained heavy damage as s/he was swaying in mid-air. Golly, it is so weird that you can have thoughts like “swaying in mid-air” and have them make logical sense.

On to the last one. This one is summoning tornados, or is it the cubes, or the pumpkins? You’re not quite sure. There are quite a lot of things being summoned here. What you do know for sure is that he (he is obviously male) is wielding a massive silly looking hammer that wouldn’t look out of place in Mr. Egbert’s harlequin collection. Wait a second... those buck teeth, those dopey square glasses, the incredibly messy hair... Jade was right! That is most definitely John. You swear on your honor as a detective.

Now that you know who John and Jake are, you try to deduce who the others are using your sleuthing prowess. Jade mentioned one of them might be Dave, so you decide finding out whether or not he is one of them is your top priority. You also decide to compose a lecture in your head to John on reckless endangerment of his well being, as well as making his friends and family worry. Ooh, that boy makes you so mad sometimes! 

You love him, but sometimes he can sacrifice his well being in order to “protect” the people he loves. Like the time when he took the blame for you at school when you told off someone who was bullying him. You don’t want to brag, but he started crying after only five minutes of your lecture on how he should be more mindful of the people around him, with a few threats thrown in for added measure of course. Hoo hoo hoo! When you asked him why he didn’t tell you or anyone else about it he said he “didn’t want to worry anybody.” Honestly, you appreciate his intentions, but you honestly don’t need him to make himself a martyr! You’re absolutely sure he’s pulling this again, even after he promised he wouldn’t!

Anyways, you got off on quite the mental tangent there. You suppose you do tend to be a bit overprotective of those you love. Anyways, back to sleuth mode! You don’t think that the navy rogue could be him, so that leaves the red knights. Knights? Knights. You suppose that sounds about right. So, neither of them are wearing his trademark aviators, but you suppose he could have taken them off. You decide that you should just cut to the heart of it and pester him. 

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:48

GG: Dave?  
GG: Are you here?

No response. You guess you should go for a more roundabout method.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 16:49

GG: Dirk?  
GG: Are you here?   
TT: Yes, what is it Jane?   
GG: Have you seen Dave around?   
TT: No, he’s gone missing.  
TT: Have you heard from him?   
GG: No I haven’t.  
GG: Have you checked the news recently?   
TT: No, should I?   
GG: Just look.

timaeusTestified [TT] is now an idle chum!

TT: Oh my god.   
GG: Yes, it is quite unbelievable.   
TT: Jane, do you know what this means?   
GG: Dirk.   
TT: Jane.    
GG: Dirk.   
TT: Jane, this means...   
GG: Dirk this is serious.   
TT: Real life...   
GG: Dirk don’t say it.   
TT: Is...   
GG: Dirk.   
TT: An...   
GG: Diiirk...   
TT: Anime.   
GG: Sigh...  
GG: Dirk why?   
TT: Because the gods of anime have willed it to be.   
GG: Dirk your brother is missing and my cousin is in Washington.   
TT: What does that have to do with anything?   
GG: ...   
TT: Oh shit   
GG: Exactly   
TT: Well fuck, what should we do?   
GG: Watch this and see if you recognize anybody.

gutsyGumshoe [GG]  sent  timaeusTestified [TT]  "Aspects appear in Washington!"

TT: Isn’t this just the superheroes?  
TT: And also is the aspects what they’re called or?   
GG: I don’t bloody know! Just look.   
TT: Language   
GG: Hush you!   
TT: Wait a second.  
TT: Is that...  
TT: Jake?   
GG: Yes, it seems so.   
TT: Damn, he’s a fine piece of ass.  
TT: Not that he wasn’t before, but DAAAAAAAMN.   
GG: Of course that would be the first thing you notice.   
TT: Tell me you didn’t admire that plush rump.   
GG: T-This is besides the point Strider!   
TT: I’m right aren’t I?    
GG: L-Look, just  
GG: Do you recognize anyone else?   
TT: I don’t know.  
TT: Red pajamas is looking awful familiar.  
TT: He’s got some nice swordsmanship.  
TT: Still a bit rusty on his pose though.  
TT: Wait.  
TT: Dave?!?   
GG: Is he?  
GG: I wasn’t entirely sure...   
TT: Oh my god, real life is actually an anime.  
TT: Teenage superheroes fighting monsters in Washington.  
TT: This is it, this is the peak of all of human achievement.  
TT: Fuck the Mona Lisa.  
TT: Fuck Socrates.  
TT: Fuck the internet.  
TT: Actually I take that back the internet is amazing.  
TT: But fuck the other stuff.  
TT: This is the pinnacle of our existence.   
GG: I’m going to choose not to comment on that for both our sakes.   
TT: So, my brother is a teenage superhero.  
TT: Wait, what about John?   
GG: He’s the blue one with the windsock.   
TT: Ah.  
TT: So yeah, I’m going to go tease Dave about his newfound transformation into a magical boy.  
TT: I’m also gonna go reevaluate my life.  
TT: Since apparently magic is fucking real.   
GG: Alright, see you later!  
GG: And let me know if John gets on.  
GG: I’m going to give him a proper lecture.   
TT: I don’t envy him.   
GG: Bye!   
TT: Later.

timaeusTestified [TT]  ceased pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG]


	3. Chapter 3

Minutes in the past, but not many...

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: you cant run away forever jaaake!!!

Oops, it seems you’ve spilled the beans. You really hope you haven’t accidentally mucked this up for everybody. Oh look it’s Strider, his face is inscrutable as ever, but after your time with Dirk... Actually you’d prefer not to think about that. Your point is he looks a tad ruffled.

“Jake, are you texting mid battle?” He asks.

“Sorry Dave, but it seems that Jade has wisened to our shenanigans.” you confess, embarrassedly.

“Jake, I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.” he says deadpan.

“Erm... Well, she found me out, and I may have let it slip that a few... of us were... crime-fighters?” you say, nervously. 

“Goddamn it Jake.” he says, upset. Or at least, you think he’s upset. You can never tell with these dag-blasted Striders.

“Well, I didn’t tell her who.” you retort defensively. You really don’t want to upset him. You never got to know him very well in the game, so you’ve decided to make friends with him now. It seems you’re not off to a very good start.

“Well I guess that’s why my I-shades are buzzing like mad.” he says.

“Hey guys, what are you talking about?” says John curiously. It seems he’s noticed your chat and has decided to join in. He is a really nice fellow, but you can’t help but feel he has a little trouble with “personal space.” Not like you’re one to talk, though.

“Well John, it seems Jake let it slip that a few of us were superheroes to Jade.” says Dave impassively.

“HEY!” you say embarrassedly. He at least could have phrased it better than that. You suppose he really does have the nonexistent Strider tact.

“Well, she is Jade, she would have found out eventually anyways.” says John, matter-of-factly.

“Fair point.” says Dave, coinciding surprisingly easy. You would have expected more of a fight out of him, but, well it is John and you don’t really have the right to reserve judgement on him and John’s relationship. You aren’t against it, of course not! In fact you think it’s swell! It just... reminds you of you and Dirk. Actually, now that you think about it, did you even date him in this universe? Blimey! You really need to stop thinking about him. It didn’t work out and that’s all there is to it.

“So, are we still good chums? I don’t want to have you hold a grudge.” you say. You really would just like it if everyone got along. Though you suppose some spats are inevitable.

“You still sold us out.” says Dave, slightly aggravated.

“It was an accident!” you say exasperatedly. Honestly, you’re surprised he’s still on this!

“C'mon Dave, lay off him.” says John. 

“Alright.” says Dave. “I suppose I was a bit out of line.”

“Now apologize to him.” says John pouting.

“Aw c’mon man, my coolkid reputation has already been tarnished enough.” says Dave in an over the top upset tone.

“Dave, you never had a reputation to begin with.” says John teasingly.

“Dork.” says Dave smirking.

“u luvbirds better either start mackin’ ofr start smackin’” says Roxy from behind you. You jump a bit. You had absolutely NO idea she was right behind you. You guess she isn’t the Rogue of Void for nothing.

“teh monstrers i mean.” she says with a bit of a drawl. “dont u start fitin each other.”

“Right!” says John. “Fr- Wait do we have a name?”

“I don’t think so.” you reply.

“Ok then.” he says. “Friendleader squad GO!!!”

You head back into the fray to engage in some good old fashioned fisticuffs.

Back in the present... 

“Okay, let’s finish these guys off!” John said, a noticeable amount more tired than usual. Everyone was, with the battle having lasted so long and so many god-tier powers used.

“One *pant* final *pant* fraymotif?” Dave suggested, the most worn out of them all. He was the only one that had been entirely up close and personal, due to his only weapon being his sword. Well, Karkat only has his sickles, but he also has the blood thing, so that doesn’t really count.

“Can you leave me out of this one? I’m quite tuckered out.” said Jake. “Hope powers really are quite draining.”

“SUCK IT UP NOOKWIPE.” shouted Karkat. “IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, THAN I’M SHOCKED YOU EVEN SURVIVED THE GAME IN THE FIRST PLACE.”

“Fine, fine.” said Jake tiredly. “Anything for a good pal!”

“NO, DON’T CALL ME YOUR ‘PAL.’” said Karkat disgustedly “I BARELY EVEN KNOW YOU.”

“Well I suppose I’ll just have to make an effort to get to know you better!” Jake said with a glowing smile.

“WAIT NO, I TAKE THAT BACK.” said Karkat, backpedaling. He gave as pleading of a look as Karkat will give to Strider, who gave him a look back that basically said ‘You made your ‘coon, now you’ve got to wriggle in the slime.’

“Guys focus!” said John, acting as the best friendleader.

“Right.” said everyone in semi-unison.

They started up the fraymotif, and man, was it cool. If you could have seen it you would have been in awe. If this was Homestuck you would have gotten a good minute of flash animation with an epic score. But this story is not Homestuck, and I don’t know how to draw, so I guess I’ll just plagiarize from Pyros. “All five began to glow as their Aspect symbols appeared behind each of them, each waving their hands almost randomly and very mysteriously to the outside view as the symbols glow brighter and the denizens underneath them struggled harder. The blast was sudden as all five continued their gestures as a pillar of colorful light of dark and bright blue, bright yellow, both bright and dark red merged seamlessly and shot through the clouds and down below to the monsters that made so much damage on the surrounding neighborhood. John and the others halted and the pillar disappeared in a bright flash that had everyone but the five cover their eyes to shield themselves, when it was gone, all that was left of the monsters were bright bits that looked very strange.”

“Hey guys, is that grist?” asked John. “Oh man it is!” The team swooped down and grabbed all of the gusher-like objects they could grab.

“Ok, so let’s get out of here before the news gets here.” said Dave. Sure enough, the braver newscasters and news vans started racing heading towards them.

“Bye guys!” said John, before disappearing into the wind.

“Peace.” said Dave before time-traveling out of there.

“Adios chums!” said Jake before flying away.

“bye” said Roxy, disappearing into the void

“HEY WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE PROPERTY DAMAGE?” asked Karkat. “EH, FUCK IT.” he said before getting the heck out of dodge.

Everyone was completely confused by what had transpired. The news were confused, the government was confused, everyone was confused. Though, the most confused were the Strilondes and Crockharleyenglishberts who had just read and replied to a very interesting memo posted by Jane, Jade, and Dirk.

Minutes in the past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna take a few days break to actually read the fanfic this is based on.
> 
> Edit: Yes, we are still planning on updating. Just hit a bit of a dry spell. Why am I telling you this at literally midnight? Who knows!
> 
> Edit again: I am no longer planning on updating this. If I get more inspiration I will come back to this, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I am sorry, because you guys really seem to enjoy this, but I have decided to focus on other works. Also thanks for the kudos! I didn't expect this fic to get so popular.


End file.
